"How do you go to sleep at night? Bitch, if I’m not the one sleepin’ with you?"
I am in my head way too much right now. When it all went to shit, you were a different person. I didn’t recognize you. You weren’t the person I knew for a year. But…now you come to me and are back to normal…? I don’t know how to take this…it’s like either it was a one time thing and you’re ok now….or do I fear this forever? My brain is at a constant battle with my heart right now…logically it doesn’t make sense. I won’t make the same mistake twice. I refuse to be played a fool again. I refuse to be vulnerable again. But at the same time…there’s nothing I want more than to have that again…that feeling I would get when you were there with me. That warm comfortable feeling of safety, love, and affection. I think this is bothering me so much because of my grandma….a lot of my issues root back to her. The only woman I lost in my life, the only family member. I accepted you into my family. You were in my mind, family. You were apart of my everyday. You came into my life at a bad point, and like my grandma, you helped me learn to be the man I should be. You helped me become a better person. Now you’re gone. You’re nothing. You deserted me and hurt me worse than anyone ever has. The last time I felt this pain was on January 20th 2010. The day I changed. The day all those lessons imprinted into my head finally cemented. Now you have cracked it all. You broke everything by bringing back that pain. Now I am just trying to make myself happy any way I can, no matter what it takes. And here you come…trying to save the day again…worrying about me. Getting in my way so I don’t do something stupid. Trying to teach people to calm me down the way you used to be able to do. No one has ever been better at calming me down. Ever. If I go off, you better just give me space and let me cool down. Not you. No matter what I got mad about, you knew exactly what to say, what to do, to get me to relax. Even when I was having hard nights thinking about my grandma, you knew exactly what to say and do to make me feel better. No one could ever understand me the way you did. You literally know every single thing about me. Why I’m such a troubled kid. Why I do the things I do. Now it seems I have a choice and I’m terrified of every decision. Maybe I decide to close the book and end this story, continue with my life….but what if I never find anything like that again? What if I’m forever searching for that feeling again…or maybe I decide to start another chapter in this book….what if it happens again…I don’t think I could go through this one more time….fuck. Why did you have to fuck this up…? It was perfect, not a doubt in my mind. I could give a fuck about another girl. Woulda been fine if I never kissed a different girl for the rest of my life…it could’ve been so much more..5 days ago would’ve made a year. I wouldn’t have that $400 Versace belt….you probably would’ve got 800 dollars worth of stuff…I never knew when to stop when it came to spending money on you. I knew you cared so much about having nice things and the newest things and just looking good. And I always made sure my girl had new clothes if she needed them….now I hate girls. They’re lucky to get McDonalds from me. I’m also afraid of if you permanently changed me…maybe I’ll never be able to open up to someone completely again. Maybe I won’t take that chance ever again…fuck. Man fuck this shit. I’m mad, sad, and everything in between. One second I go from being missing you, and the next second I want to break your neck for what you did. God I’m stupid. I thought I found someone that would’t screw me. I thought I’d never have to go through this shit again. I thought I was done getting screwed by girls. I thought I was done worrying bout girls and all I had to worry bout was you…worrying bout if you remembered to bring food to work, if you remembered to do that homework, if you remembered you had to go do something. I used to just go to your damn house to walk your dog. The only dog I ever really got some kind of relationship with. That little annoying rat grew on me and listened to me. Those babies that I haven’t seen in so long. The little girl that I could play with all day long and never get tired. That kid could brighten my day if I just saw her face. I’m sad I only got to see the boy a couple times. I was there when he was born and I wanted to watch him grow up….fuck, we were literally like family. You got your fucking license in MY car…I think about this shit all the time…and then I wonder how after all that. Everything we did together, everything I was there for. You saw me change into a completely different person. I watched you grow and become even more independent than you already were. How were you able to do that stuff with that other guy…how could you lie to me…fuck. I’m done, I need sleep. Got work in the morning. And after work were supposed to talk…we’ll see how it goes.
You know I love Yelawolf and because of you, I got to see him. Well now he’s rapping about you..
They’re hard to find. Not too many people have em. But my homie has an R, I’ll get some pictures of it up.